MY SUICIDE NOTE
SNIPER has been banned, but not these.
Like unsolved arithmetic, I have no answer to it. It’s there in my head
It has become my nightmare. Deep in my thoughts, there it is, seated with confidence!
There’s absolutely no way out!
What have I not done in this life?
How unfair can life be?
I act like it’s all okay, just to meet up with the life, but here I am, in the middle of nowhere fizzling away.
I feel like God has blown me away like the beans shaft.
I am dying inside.
Yes, I have dreams, BIG DREAMS, but they remain mere dreams because life has conditioned them to remain so, they never wake up.
My mates are already in University, I’m here “jambing” JAMB, and still being posted by the failures of Post-Ume exams.
Some of my mates are done and dusted. Graduation and matriculation pictures overflowing on my timeline. And you say I should hold on? Hold on for what?
It’s too late for me already!
** ** ***
My nudes leaked
My reputation destroyed
My dreams chattered
No one cares
I’m a disappointment to my family …
And you say I should continue living? Live for what? When I can’t even raise my head in public.
I feel like the worst person in this world!
** *** **
I am a good person, Oh yes I am!
I have helped people, I do charity;
But I can’t even get back the good I’ve done! Everyone plays dumb and oblivious of my condition.
I feel useless, there’s no hope for me in this life!
Too much bad luck! So unfortunate!
Lemme just die! There’s nothing to live for!
** ** **
Ladies who are not even as beautiful as I am are getting married
**
My guys, who are less intelligent than I am are getting jobs. They even found a wife! But for me, what do I get? NOTHING!
What do you expect? No, tell me!
They keep giving me useless hopes, “HOPE IN THE LORD”. Which hope? Has God not been aware of my situation? What did He do?
‘Have faith’, they say. Shut up! Don’t ever speak about faith to me!
Don’t tell me about the Bible, cos there’s nothing I have not heard!
It is ten months into the New Year, oops, the “Old-New year”. December is already by the corner and boom! There comes 2020! What do I have to show for this year? Nothing!
I can no longer condone this bugbear when sadness is spilling from my back pockets. And poverty running down my veins. I take full responsibility for my incapacitatedness, so allow me to surcease this tragedy called LIFE.
I have had enough!
 |
| Photo credit: Chika Onnu (Instagram) |
** ** ***
As of 2018, Nigeria was ranked “6th” on the annual suicide list. I wonder what position will be on our “report card” this year; Oh Lord, do not allow us to rise to first.
I can recall Chukwuemeka Akachi, a Facebook poet who dropped a suicide note on Facebook saying “He doesn’t wish to be a burden to anyone anymore, because he has been on life support which he claims to be expensive”; but he failed to realize that his own LIFE is far more expensive.
He was a poet, he WRITES, but he had no RIGHT to take his own life. His writings were horrible. He wrote in death’s language in the wildest ways, because he had had a rapport with death whilst on his suicide mission.
Like the myriad of other suicide deaths whose names I cannot even recall.
– The guy who killed himself in Portharcourt as a result of heartbreak.
– The student who was found dead in her room after drinking sniper.
– The RCCG pastor in Abuja who took his own life.
And all other heartbreaking completed acts of suicide, including the ones that didn’t go viral.
We begin to cultivate thoughts of suicide when we compare our man-made time with God’s. We program our time to automatically work for Him, forgetting that His ways are not ours; 30yrs in your calendar might be merely 3minutes on His wall clock!
Brother, Sister, hold on!
There’s a Nigerian Pidgin adage that goes: “GOD’S TIME IS THE BEST NOR MEAN SAY MAKE YOU GO TIFF WALL CLOCK COMMOT FROM CHURCH O”. What this means in one word is PATIENCE!
Yes I have actually been contemplating suicide, but not in the context of “Taking my own life”, God forbid! Did I create myself? But rather I’ve been thinking about suicide in the context of “WHY DO PEOPLE TAKE THEIR OWN LIVES”?
Why!
So I’m writing this piece using the voice of a potential suicidal. Lending my voice to all those who are frustrated and are contemplating suicide;
You need to come back to life because suicide does not happen when you take your life, suicide begins right from the point where you are having thoughts of suicide.
In my definition; Suicide is a PERMANENT ELIMINATION of the SOLUTION to a TEMPORARY problem. Suicide most times seem like a gateway to freedom, and an escape from all the trauma & wahala of life! But NO! It is instead a permanent termination of a generation full of SOLUTIONS!
Your life is not even your own, do not take what you never gave!
Don’t Do It! Do you know why? Because YOU are the SOLUTION to your problems.
Trust God!
When you say it is IMPOSSIBLE, “He says All things are possible through Me”! Luke 18:27.
When you say I am too tired, He says “I will give you rest”! Matthew 11:28
When you say “Nobody loves me”, He says “I have loved you with an everlasting love”! Jeremiah 31:3
When you say “I can’t do this anymore”, He says “My Grace is Sufficient”! 2Corinthians 12:9
When you say “I am not able”, He says “I AM Able”! 2Cor 9:8
SayNoToSuicide!
 |
| Photo credit: https://www.barandbench.com |
Author
Progress Oberiko
I am a people-centered Writer and Storyteller with over 12 years experience. I curate stories, articles and essays using lived experiences.
Leave a Reply